Alternative title: Ballad of a Bad Day
(sing to the tune of any horrible country song that comes to mind)
Well I woke up laaaaaate…
And that was bad enuuuuuuuf…
But then I lef’ mah house and fergot mah durn’d ol’ luuuunch.
So I went back ta get it, then I was on mah waaaaaay.
‘Til I looked at the gas gauge and saw it was on eeeeeeee…
So I stopped to fill ‘er up…
And finally I could leave…
But what do I see but a durn’d ol’ train, blockin’ mah way outta town.
Ev’ry semi in toooown…
Was goin’ the same way as meeeeee.
Wouldn’ta been so baaaad…
But top speed was thirty-threeee.
By the time I got ta work…
I was fifteen minutes laaaaaaate.
And to make matters wooooorse…
I couldn’t find a parking space.
Guess I’ll go on inta woooork…
And see how the rest of this day gooooooes.
But I’m starting to feel liiiiike…
I shoulda stayed in bed todaaaaaay.
The Boyfriend is always calling me Negative Nelly or Debbie Downer… I can’t help it that I like to keep my expectations low and I don’t sugar-coat things.
For example, a conversation that happened today at work:
C: It smells like urine when you walk in this building, don’t you think?
J: I’ve never noticed it…
C: Well, like right outside the door when you’re walking in.
Me: Well there’s a kitten that lives in the alley…
L: I thought the kitten was dead…
Me: OH, well then it’s not urine you’re smelling. It’s rotting carcass.
L: This conversation just got really sad. I’m walking away.
Me: Cute, cuddly, fluffy, smelly rotting carcass!
Another example, this time a reply I sent to an email:
I can bring cookies!
Don’t get too excited, they’ll be store-bought.
Also? Game shows.
When the fabulous prize is revealed to the contestants and they start to get all embarrassingly giddy over a dinette set or something equally lame, I can only think one thing.
You’re gonna pay taxes on that.
On the way to work the other morning, I listened to a politically-themed show on NPR.
I need to stop doing that because I’m sure it isn’t good for my blood pressure.
Anyway, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. We’re in the midst of a little (sarcasm) financial trouble here and the show was covering the continuing debate about gay marriage.
Why are we still arguing about this?!
I would like to know how it isn’t discrimination to say that same-sex couples can’t marry. And how is that not a violation of their rights? Ridiculous.
The most mind-blowing thing about all of this, to me, is just how blatantly hypocritical our dear ol’ government is being.
Prayer isn’t allowed in schools, they’re talking about taking “In God we trust” off of our money, and the Ten Commandments can’t be displayed on the courthouse lawn. Why? Separation of church and state.
Same-sex couples can’t get married. Why? Because the Bible defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
Seriously, if you’re against gay marriage, guess what. You don’t have to go to a gay wedding. You don’t have to befriend any gay couples and you don’t have to like it. What you really need to do is 1.) Get over yourself, 2.) Stop pointing your judgy finger, it’s not your job, and 3.) Take notes when reading the part in the Bible that mentions loving your neighbor.
Allowing gay couples to marry (and *gasp* even adopt children) probably won’t have a single impact on your life if you don’t let it.
As far as making it legal, it’s the right thing to do if we’re going to stand behind our country’s decision to keep religion out of politics AND honor the fact that we are supposed to be a nation of freedoms. Religious, political, expression and otherwise.
How about we stop arguing about things that truthfully aren’t that pressing and get serious about the nation’s debt troubles? Because if we end up in another depression, I don’t think people will be standing in bread lines saying “Well hey, at least gay people can’t get married!”
**Just so we’re all clear, I’m not mocking religion in any way. I absolutely believe in God and I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression. I’m also not saying I support gay marriage, necessarily. I just don’t think it’s fair to make it illegal because some people think it’s wrong.
Don’t agree? Think I’m an idiot? Send your hate mail to ashleemaeblog @ gmail.com or leave me a comment!
You may also email me or comment if you think I’m brilliant!
(Paraphrased from memory)
Grandma: So the neighbors loaded their kids up and left earlier today and when they came home the kids weren’t with them. I think they took them to Grandma’s.
Mom: Uh huh…
Grandma: Around 7:00 a car pulled in their driveway and a girl got out and went in the house. THEN around 7:30 a guy showed up and went in the house.
Grandma: Well. I think they’re watching them-there dirty shows.
Mom: Um, why do you think that?
Grandma: Well they have that-there satellite tv.
So yesterday I said I wanted some cool new workout shoes and clothes… Today, I’m continuing the whole workout theme with this:
Weslo Cadence G40 Treadmill
So I really want to get into better shape…problem is, I just don’t have the motivation to, you know, actually work out. I’ve been checking out the different kinds of toning shoes but my gripe has been that they’re all…well…ugly.
The Reebok Easytones look like regular ol’ tennis shoes. I could wear those every day! I want them!
Problem: I have no idea what size because I’ve never tried them on.
But! Here’s a link:
They also have some really cute workout clothes… I love the EasyTone bra tops and the pants. There are even flip-flops!
Just one question…How long do I have to wear the shoes (and clothes, I guess) before I look like the model?
I was complaining to a coworker about how much I just don’t think I like liquid foundation anymore…and she suggested I try Bare Minerals. I would LOVE to try it out and since my birthday is coming up, I’m making it item number one on my birthday list.
Since I’m a horrible judge of what colors work on my skin, I’d need to actually go to a Sephora location and get matched. I think in this situation a Sephora gift card would work best.
Stay tuned for more of my birthday wish list!
If there’s anything I actually hate, it’s buying tampons. I don’t even like walking down that aisle of the store so I avoid it like the plague. I know it’s going to seem silly, but there’s a part of me that thinks my lady organs will kick into gear if I happen to walk through that aisle and there’s nothing I hate more than Surprise! periods. I know, I know…but you wouldn’t tempt fate and walk by a sleeping giant wearing a necklace made of bells, now would you?
The biggest reason I hate it is because it’s so damn confusing. Why do we need so many choices?! I get the need for regular, super, etc… And while I have no idea who would purchase the cardboard applicators on purpose, I suppose having an option in that area is nice as well. Some of the other things just baffle me…
– Brightly colored wrappers. Um, really? Why don’t I just slap a sign on my head that says I’M ON MY PERIOD, Y’ALL!? Because in case you haven’t noticed, a bright magenta wrapper stands out just a little when you throw it in a bathroom trash can. It’s also really hard to get from my desk to the bathroom without someone noticing the brightly colored bundle in my hand.
– Scented tampons and pads?! Look, I don’t need my hoo ha smelling like a tropical paradise, ok?
– Pretty designs on pads and tampon applicators. Is that really necessary? I mean, the people that make these things do know where we’re putting them, right?
– Don’t even get me started on how incredibly disgusting I think those Instead cups are. Just. So. Gross.
About once a month, I find myself staring at the plethora of brightly colored packages promising me that I’ll be able to play sports! and smell fresh! while going through my special womanly time. Occasionally, my eyes will wander just a bit to the adult diapers that are usually hanging out in the same section…and don’t think I don’t consider it as a valid option for a few minutes.
It’s hard being a woman.
The other night, I sent The Boyfriend a text to see if he was off work.
B: I’m actually negotiating a price on a truck right now (not his words)
Me: Show him your boobs. Bet the price will drop.
Me: OR! Throw an old fashioned on the table. Guys help each other out all the time.
B: I was actually thinking cash plus a trade.
Me: Well…it’s risky but it might work.
Then, one evening last week The Boyfriend sent me this random text:
B: You missed Jersey Shore.
For a second, I couldn’t figure out why he felt the need to tell me that. I’ve never even watched a full episode of that show. Then (because my phone is retarded) an earlier text from him came through asking if I wanted to come over to see it.
Me: Sorry, I just got the message about coming over to watch it.
B: I was messing with you. Jersey Shore, really?
Me: Well you are fond of Keeping up with the Kardashians…
B: I’m over that.
Me: Oh, right. Sorry, Khloe and Lamar.
B: That didn’t help, just got old. At least Paris Hilton’s a self proclaimed ho. Those other girls are under the impression they’re good people.
Me: True…So Paris has a show again? Is it your new favorite?
B: I don’t know. I’m over her, too.
Me: Well what are you going to watch? Real Housewives?
Me: Maybe Miley Cyrus will get a reality show now that there’s a vid of her smoking pot on the internet.
B: I was hoping Lindsey Lohan would get one.
Me: I’d watch that…Chick’s a total trainwreck. Too bad Britney didn’t have one when she went off the deep end.
Me: That would’ve been quality entertainment.
The state of Indiana has passed a law that (as of today) makes it illegal to text while driving. From what I understand, the fines would be up to $500.00 for such a horrendous offence.
Did you catch the sarcasm? I hope so.
Come on, people. I realize that texting while driving distracts the driver and can lead to accidents…but this law isn’t going to stop anyone. The people that will obey this law are the very same people that already don’t do it.
I’m sure there are some people that are busy rubbing hands together in anticipation of just how much money the tickets will bring in, though.
Since we’re busing making laws that make being distracted while behind the wheel illegal, I propose a few more:
– Listening to music while driving. Everyone gets a little too into a song on the radio now and then and kinda slacks on paying attention for a second. Also, you have to take your eyes off the road to change the radio station. Better hand out some fines for that.
– Parents, you’d better start thinking of ways to transport your kids without driving. Nothing is more distracting than trying to drive with a tantrum-throwing toddler in the backseat. I should know, I drove to Texas with a pair of (2 and 5 year-old) siblings in the back and their mother in the passenger seat blocking out the screams. Yeeeesh.
– Talking to passengers in your car. You know, why don’t we just make it illegal to have any passengers, period?
– You know how you sometimes hear about a guy that’s so busy checking out an accident while passing it that he causes another wreck? Well now it’s illegal to look at all. IN FACT, let’s make it illegal to have accidents because they do tend to be a distraction to other drivers.
– In-dash DVD players. Sorry, you might be tempted to watch your favorite episode of Leave it to Beaver on your way to work so now you just can’t have them at all.
– Being too caffeinated while driving. You’re all hopped up and looking around everywhere…HEY LOOK! THERE’S A BIRD! OH, A BILLBOARD! AND THERE’S A WHITE CASTLE! OOPS! THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME JUST CAME TO A SUDDEN STOP AND I DIDN’T NOTICE ‘CAUSE I SAW SOMETHING SHINY!
– We all know driving while drunk is bad. Why not start handing out tickets for driving while DUMB?