Well it never fails. Whenever a holiday comes up, I get an email from someone wanting to hire me to write for them. Yesterday, I got an email from a new client, asking me to write a funny article about something business related. It’s due in three days, so I got to work right away…
I think most creative people will tell you that it can be really difficult to perform on command. There is nothing less funny than someone that is actively trying to be funny, in my opinion.
I drove to my mom and dad’s this morning so I would have a little extra help with O while I wrote. Three hours later, here I am with about fifty tabs open in two Chrome browsers, and two Word documents going…armed with pot of coffee number two (ok, The BF drank part of the first one) and 230 words. I need 500. And not just 500 words, 500 funny words. The last sentence of the client’s email was, ” Looking forward to laughing.”
It’s gone about like this:
Was that funny? Maybe that isn’t all that funny…I think I’ll take that out. Wait, maybe that WAS funny, but I need to put it here…Oh hell, I don’t remember how I phrased that. Did I quote that right? Probably ought to check my source…Oh, I clicked the wrong tab so…Hey, a Facebook notification. Why not lose five minutes goofing off on Facebook? It will be good for the creative process. But only 5 minutes.
-15 minutes later-
Shit, I really got a little off track there. Ok, where was I? Oh, I’m out of coffee. Better get a refill… Aw, O is doing something really cute with Grandma. No, I need to get back to work. After I pee first, because hello coffee.
-At this point, I come back and sit down to just stare at my screen for a bit.-
I hate this. I don’t think this is “look forward to laughing” funny. I need to start over.
WHY DID I JUST DO THAT?
I’m going to check my blog stats. GOOD LORD, Fred’s birthday post got a lot of views. I guess tumors are interesting? I wish that’s what I was supposed to be writing about…It would be a lot easier. You know what? I think I’ll start a post. Maybe that’ll get the creative juices flowing.
Happy Independence Day, everyone!
This is a perfect illustration of how I feel today:
Wasting my morning (and the better part of the afternoon) dealing with health insurance nonsense has left me in a fairly rotten mood. APPARENTLY my coverage has lapsed (no, I did not forget to pay a bill). In order to get my coverage back I have to jump through more hoops than a dog in a circus. And then there is a substantial waiting period. For “processing“.
Truth be told, I heart Grumpy Cat even when I’m not in a bad mood.
Anyway, I’m busy saying nothing because I have nothing nice to say. About anything.
My Blackberry doesn’t work.
Can’t make calls.
Can’t receive calls.
Can’t use the internet.
Know what I can do?
I can see what time it is.
HOORAY! I’m cut off from the outside world but I’ll always know the time!
Now if I had a job that paid me money I would just go buy a new cell phone and that would be the end of it. Since I’m currently unemployed and therefore have no money, I’m just trying really hard to be ok with this…maybe even learn a lesson on how dependent I am upon modern technology.
Who am I kidding? Not having a cell phone SUCKS.
Not being able to tweet or check Facebook whenever I want isn’t so bad. A little annoying when I have to wait in line somewhere, or when I have something really funny to say, but not terrible. It’s the fact that I am completely unable to communicate with anyone unless I happen to be at my mom and dad’s house that’s really boosting the ol’ anxiety levels.
Driving has become a problem because my tires aren’t in the best shape…So if I were to blow a tire I don’t know what I’d do. Walk to the nearest house? Not a good option…I’d rather not knock on someone’s door and interrupt them cooking a big ol’ batch of meth, thankyouverymuch. And really, that’s just the kind of luck I have.
I guess I could stand on the side of the road and try to flag someone down…But getting someone to stop would probably take a while. Not only that, but if someone does stop, I’d be wondering why. Is this person a murderer or a rapist? And if the person does turn out to have ulterior motives I couldn’t just use my handy cell phone to call for help. Then again…if the murderer, you know, actually murders me I wouldn’t be able to, anyway.
Well this is turning out to be quite a conundrum.
I suppose if I did get stuck on the side of the road, and someone DID stop to help me, and that person WAS a bad guy, I could always throw my useless former phone-turned expensive timepiece at him as a distraction and run like hell.
There’s something to be said about preparedness in emergency situations. Obviously you can’t prepare for every possibility, but you can cover your bases. From now on (until I have a working cellular device, that is) I’ll be carrying my trusty ol’ Louisville Slugger whenever I venture out into the scary world. I will also make sure to wear my tennis shoes at all times (have you ever tried to run in flip-flops?) and carry a spray bottle of Sriracha hot sauce in my purse.
What? Have you ever touched your eye after handling that stuff? It hurts.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to do some cardio and maybe some calisthenics, just in case I find my self needing to run away from a bad guy in the near future.
Alternative title: Ballad of a Bad Day
(sing to the tune of any horrible country song that comes to mind)
Well I woke up laaaaaate…
And that was bad enuuuuuuuf…
But then I lef’ mah house and fergot mah durn’d ol’ luuuunch.
So I went back ta get it, then I was on mah waaaaaay.
‘Til I looked at the gas gauge and saw it was on eeeeeeee…
So I stopped to fill ‘er up…
And finally I could leave…
But what do I see but a durn’d ol’ train, blockin’ mah way outta town.
Ev’ry semi in toooown…
Was goin’ the same way as meeeeee.
Wouldn’ta been so baaaad…
But top speed was thirty-threeee.
By the time I got ta work…
I was fifteen minutes laaaaaaate.
And to make matters wooooorse…
I couldn’t find a parking space.
Guess I’ll go on inta woooork…
And see how the rest of this day gooooooes.
But I’m starting to feel liiiiike…
I shoulda stayed in bed todaaaaaay.
If there’s anything I actually hate, it’s buying tampons. I don’t even like walking down that aisle of the store so I avoid it like the plague. I know it’s going to seem silly, but there’s a part of me that thinks my lady organs will kick into gear if I happen to walk through that aisle and there’s nothing I hate more than Surprise! periods. I know, I know…but you wouldn’t tempt fate and walk by a sleeping giant wearing a necklace made of bells, now would you?
The biggest reason I hate it is because it’s so damn confusing. Why do we need so many choices?! I get the need for regular, super, etc… And while I have no idea who would purchase the cardboard applicators on purpose, I suppose having an option in that area is nice as well. Some of the other things just baffle me…
– Brightly colored wrappers. Um, really? Why don’t I just slap a sign on my head that says I’M ON MY PERIOD, Y’ALL!? Because in case you haven’t noticed, a bright magenta wrapper stands out just a little when you throw it in a bathroom trash can. It’s also really hard to get from my desk to the bathroom without someone noticing the brightly colored bundle in my hand.
– Scented tampons and pads?! Look, I don’t need my hoo ha smelling like a tropical paradise, ok?
– Pretty designs on pads and tampon applicators. Is that really necessary? I mean, the people that make these things do know where we’re putting them, right?
– Don’t even get me started on how incredibly disgusting I think those Instead cups are. Just. So. Gross.
About once a month, I find myself staring at the plethora of brightly colored packages promising me that I’ll be able to play sports! and smell fresh! while going through my special womanly time. Occasionally, my eyes will wander just a bit to the adult diapers that are usually hanging out in the same section…and don’t think I don’t consider it as a valid option for a few minutes.
It’s hard being a woman.
The state of Indiana has passed a law that (as of today) makes it illegal to text while driving. From what I understand, the fines would be up to $500.00 for such a horrendous offence.
Did you catch the sarcasm? I hope so.
Come on, people. I realize that texting while driving distracts the driver and can lead to accidents…but this law isn’t going to stop anyone. The people that will obey this law are the very same people that already don’t do it.
I’m sure there are some people that are busy rubbing hands together in anticipation of just how much money the tickets will bring in, though.
Since we’re busing making laws that make being distracted while behind the wheel illegal, I propose a few more:
– Listening to music while driving. Everyone gets a little too into a song on the radio now and then and kinda slacks on paying attention for a second. Also, you have to take your eyes off the road to change the radio station. Better hand out some fines for that.
– Parents, you’d better start thinking of ways to transport your kids without driving. Nothing is more distracting than trying to drive with a tantrum-throwing toddler in the backseat. I should know, I drove to Texas with a pair of (2 and 5 year-old) siblings in the back and their mother in the passenger seat blocking out the screams. Yeeeesh.
– Talking to passengers in your car. You know, why don’t we just make it illegal to have any passengers, period?
– You know how you sometimes hear about a guy that’s so busy checking out an accident while passing it that he causes another wreck? Well now it’s illegal to look at all. IN FACT, let’s make it illegal to have accidents because they do tend to be a distraction to other drivers.
– In-dash DVD players. Sorry, you might be tempted to watch your favorite episode of Leave it to Beaver on your way to work so now you just can’t have them at all.
– Being too caffeinated while driving. You’re all hopped up and looking around everywhere…HEY LOOK! THERE’S A BIRD! OH, A BILLBOARD! AND THERE’S A WHITE CASTLE! OOPS! THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME JUST CAME TO A SUDDEN STOP AND I DIDN’T NOTICE ‘CAUSE I SAW SOMETHING SHINY!
– We all know driving while drunk is bad. Why not start handing out tickets for driving while DUMB?
I’m super grumpy today… It’s Monday, we’re busy as hell at work, I only get a 30 minute lunch today AND I just found out I have to come in an hour early tomorrow for a meeting. Add to that the fact that I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through this week financially and that all equals a very grumpy me.
I don’t understand how I can be working 40 plus hours a week and still be this broke. These gas prices are seriously kicking my ass right now, I do know that much. I drive an hour one-way to work five days a week so I get gas every other day. It’s getting to the point that I’m seriously starting to wonder if I’ll be able to afford going to work anymore.
I’m trying to cut back on expenses… We don’t have internet at my house right now and I’ve been bringing my lunch to work every day. Still, my biggest expenses are the ones I can’t cut out:
My car payment = 410.00
Insurance = 80.00
Oil changes = 80.00 (every other month)
Cell phone = 70.00
Plus all of the house expenses. We’re planning to combine all of the household bills, split that amount three ways, and consider that rent every month. I feel like this is going to somehow be more expensive for me and I’m barely keeping my head above water as it is.
The bottom line is, I have to do something soon to make some extra money. Prostitution and drug dealing aren’t options (damn morals), and finding a second job that would let me only work weekends will be hard. I’ve considered bartending again, but the number of bars in my town is rapidly declining.
Any one have any suggestions? I’d welcome the feedback!
Thanks for finally warming up! It’s super nice to go outside without chilly rain. HOWEVER, my sinuses would have appreciated more of a gradual warm up. I mean, you kind of just went balls to the wall with the whole warm weather thing when you went from highs in the 60’s to 88 degrees.
Also? Love the mugginess. Is that a word? It is now.
What happened to spring?!
P.S. My hair hates you too.