because behaving is boring

Category Archives: Nuggets of Wisdom

Hey guys! Did y’all hear about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s decision to fly flags at half-staff to honor Whitney Houston?

*sigh*

Ok, first of all Mr. Man With Two Girly Names… Let’s remember who (and what) we’re honoring:

What we have here, boys and girls, is a crackhead. Sure, she had millions of dollars and a pretty singing voice, but she was a crackhead.

Ok, maybe I’m not being fair, so here’s a nice picture of her after a team of makeup and hair artists worked for a few hours to make her appear sober:

Here’s how I imagine that photo shoot went:

Photographer: Whitney, please sit still… Oh HELL, you’re sweating through your makeup again. MAKEUP!

Whitney: Uh, uh…Are we done? I…uh…need to go to the bathroom.

Photographer: NO. Hold still so she can touch up your makeup, ok? Oh damn, now your weave is all jacked up.

Whitney: *scratch scratch* Please can I go to the bathroom? I need my drugs…I MEAN, I have to pee.

Photographer: I said no. Now let’s fix your hair…Oh forget it. Just prop your head up on your hand to hold it in place… I don’t have time for this shit. Ok, now smile pretty!

Whitney: Um, but…when do I get to…um…pee?

Photographer: As soon as I get a decent shot.

Whitney: BIG PRETTY SMILE

 

I don’t know this for sure, but I think this photograph was taken immediately after that photo shoot. She finally got to pee.

So here’s the thing. There is NO WAY that the flag of this nation should be flown at half staff in honor of this person. NO WAY. That is something we do to honor fallen soldiers, not pop stars that overdosed and fell into a bathtub.

Let’s try and have some perspective here, people.

OH.

And she ruined our National Anthem.

 

 

(I am not heartless. I feel very sad for her family’s loss and I’m sure lots of people loved her dearly. I DO think the situation is very sad. OK? So please no hate mail.)


When I was a kid, there were holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Halloween was in October and the stores started stocking costumes and candy in the beginning of the month. Once November hit, the Halloween stuff went on clearance because it was time for Thanksgiving. Christmas displays started going up sometime after Thanksgiving, and you certainly didn’t hear Christmas music ’til then.

Of course, when I was a kid MTV still played music videos.

Now we have ChristmaWeenGiving. You can buy a costume for trick-or-treating, some turkey decorations, and a Christmas tree all in the same shopping trip. Talk about streamlining things.

Am I the only one that’s bothered by the smooshing together of the holidays?

I’m also getting tired of the continually worsening commercialization of Christmas. Ask a handful of pre-teens at the mall what Christmas is all about. I’m guessing most of the answers will involve the newest over-priced gaming system, new cell phones… Anything but what Christmas is supposed to be about.

I love Thanksgiving and Christmas… Both holidays are about spending time with the people I love most in this world. I even enjoy Halloween because it can be a lot of fun. Can we go back to having a chance to celebrate each holiday separately and give them all the individual attention they deserve?


1. There are parts of the human body that should come in contact with soap and water every day. Ideally, the entire body should be soaped up every day…but I think if everyone could just take care of the more odoriferous parts on a daily basis the world would be a better (and less smelly) place. Also, going to Wal-Mart might be a tad more pleasant.

2. Certain behavior stops being acceptable right around the same time as high school graduation. If you’re 30 and still playing the he-said-she-said game or doing your best to make other people miserable, grow up.

3. Facebook is not your diary, it’s public. It’s not the place to talk about your messy divorce or air your dirty laundry. In fact, you aren’t allowed to complain about all of the drama in your life if every other update is “OMG I hate my ex!!! He’s gonna be, like, totally sorry when we go to court!”

3 1/2. While we’re on the topic of Facebook, can we all agree that “Welp, got up at 8:00 this morning, went to the grocery store and bought ho-hos, took the dog to the vet, got McDonald’s for lunch, went home and watched Maury and did laundry. Now I’m getting ready to start making dinner. Sooooo excited to drink some Coors Light and watch the Nascar race I DVR’d with my hubby!” is a retarded and completely unnecessary thing to tell everyone?

4. Having a digital camera does not make you a photographer. Making cupcakes from a shitty box mix does not make you a baker. I really wish people would stop claiming to be things they aren’t and just leave those things to the people that actually have, you know, talent. The real professionals.

Yup, I feel better.


Dear Adele,

I’m not a fan.

I mean, I’m sure you’re a very nice person…and you do have a pretty voice…but your songs? My God woman, your songs (the ones I have heard, at least) are so depressing. I can be in a perfectly good mood when all of a sudden you come on the radio with your gloom and doom, woe is me attitude and BAM! Suddenly I want to find a corner that I can curl up in and cry.

Also?

I just get this vaguely psychotic vibe from your lyrics.

Example:

In Someone Like You: “I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited /But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. /I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded /That for me it isn’t over”

Oh, honey…

Look, obviously this guy is no longer interested in your particular brand of loony… And barging in on he and his new girlfriend isn’t gonna make him change his mind. I’ll bet they had a good chuckle after you left about how desperate you are. It IS over. Stop desperately clinging to the past and just. Move. On.

Every time I hear this song I’m reminded of a certain angry Canadian female screaming You Oughta Know (“I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner…”) And I think we can all agree that while it was a very popular song that’s not exactly the kind of image you want to project. The scorned and angry bitch thing has been done, and as far as I’m concerned, you’re just not living up to Alanis’s legacy.

Not Drunk Enough?

Girlfriend. PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN.

Set Fire To The RainI’ll Be Waiting

We get it. You’re nuts. You’re a stage 5 clinger. You’re the chick that starts naming babies on the second date and does a nightly drive-by to see if he has company. If you call and he doesn’t answer, I’ll bet you just keep hitting redial until he does because you really, really wanted to say hi.

Look, I know that breakups hurt… I think the best thing you can do is move on with your life. Get some close friends together, get your hair did, put on a pretty dress and have a night out.

Just make sure to give someone your cell phone because I certainly don’t want to hear I Drunk Dialed Your Heart the next time I turn on the radio, mmmmkay?

Love,

Ashlee


On the way to work the other morning, I listened to a politically-themed show on NPR.

I need to stop doing that because I’m sure it isn’t good for my blood pressure.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. We’re in the midst of a little (sarcasm) financial trouble here and the show was covering the continuing debate about gay marriage.

Why are we still arguing about this?!

I would like to know how it isn’t discrimination to say that same-sex couples can’t marry. And how is that not a violation of their rights? Ridiculous.

The most mind-blowing thing about all of this, to me, is just how blatantly hypocritical our dear ol’ government is being.

Prayer isn’t allowed in schools, they’re talking about taking “In God we trust” off of our money, and the Ten Commandments can’t be displayed on the courthouse lawn. Why? Separation of church and state.

Same-sex couples can’t get married. Why? Because the Bible defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman.

Dear government:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

-Me

Seriously, if you’re against gay marriage, guess what. You don’t have to go to a gay wedding. You don’t have to befriend any gay couples and you don’t have to like it. What you really need to do is 1.) Get over yourself, 2.) Stop pointing your judgy finger, it’s not your job, and 3.) Take notes when reading the part in the Bible that mentions loving your neighbor.

Allowing gay couples to marry (and *gasp* even adopt children) probably won’t have a single impact on your life if you don’t let it.

As far as making it legal, it’s the right thing to do if we’re going to stand behind our country’s decision to keep religion out of politics AND honor the fact that we are supposed to be a nation of freedoms. Religious, political, expression and otherwise.

How about we stop arguing about things that truthfully aren’t that pressing and get serious about the nation’s debt troubles? Because if we end up in another depression, I don’t think people will be standing in bread lines saying “Well hey, at least gay people can’t get married!”

**Just so we’re all clear, I’m not mocking religion in any way. I absolutely believe in God and I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression. I’m also not saying I support gay marriage, necessarily. I just don’t think it’s fair to make it illegal because some people think it’s wrong.

Don’t agree? Think I’m an idiot? Send your hate mail to ashleemaeblog @ gmail.com or leave me a comment!

You may also email me or comment if you think I’m brilliant!


Me: Hey, do you think it would still be prostitution if the hooker sold raffle tickets and had a drawing to determine who would get her services?

Friend: Wait…what?!

Me: You know, ’cause the money is being exchanged for the TICKETS and not for SEX.

Friend: I’m not sure that would work.

Me: But it’s a great idea! They’ve been doing it wrong this whole time… I mean, you can sell an unlimited amount of raffle tickets in a day but there are only so many…uh…services a prostitute could perform in a 24-hour period.

Friend:…

Me: For real, this is a breakthrough for the world’s oldest profession.

Friend:…

Me: Do you think they have a union rep I could call? Ladies of the Night Local 69?


 

…Are stupid.

Allow me to preface this by saying:

If you’re reading this and you get angry because you think I’m talking about you specifically…

Don’t flatter yourself. Chances are I’m not but it sounds like you have a guilty conscience so you might want to pay attention.

I do NOT understand people that walk around carrying grudges against other people. Sure, there are people that have hurt me and I don’t exactly want to be around them, but I can be civil when necessary.

It’s one thing to learn from a bad experience and want to protect yourself from being hurt in the future. It’s another thing entirely to then turn around and do everything you can to make another person’s life miserable.  What does that solve? I can tell you this much for sure, it makes you look like a sad, bitter person and it’s NOT attractive.

When you insist upon holding a grudge against someone, you’re heaping a heavy burden upon yourself that you then get to carry around. It takes a LOT of energy to hate someone in that way. I mean, think about it. I’m sure we all know someone that has allowed him or herself to be consumed by bitterness toward other people. Doesn’t that person look tired? Of course she does, because she likely is!

I don’t know about anyone else, but I prefer to worry more about my actions than those of other people. I’m the only person I can control so it makes sense to me. For instance, I couldn’t stop an ex-boyfriend from cheating on me, but I could absolutely control my reaction…and yes, it was painful to deal with and it took quite some time to get over. I grew as a person as a result of that experience and while I wouldn’t be ecstatic to see him again, I could handle it if I ran into him in a gas station. I’d probably even say hello.

I won’t lie, I’ve definitely held grudges against people in the past. It’s actually an easy habit to fall into. I worked hard to let those grudges go over the years and I feel so much better now. I guess that’s why, when I know someone is holding a grudge it makes me feel sorry for him or her.

Just think about it. All of that energy that’s being consumed to fuel your hatred of someone else? You could get rid of your hateful feelings and use that energy for something else. All of those friends that have disappeared? If you aren’t constantly talking about how much you can’t stand someone else they might actually come back.

I suppose what I’m trying to say here is just live and let live, people. We’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Forgive those that have wronged you, forget your anger and move on.



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