because behaving is boring

Category Archives: Rants

Opinions are like assholes… Everyone is one!

…Wait, that’s not right.

Except, in some cases, maybe it is. Like maybe in the case of my Facebook newsfeed lately.

If you haven’t heard, Governor Mike Pence signed a bill recently that caused a bit of a stir. Feel free to check out this article in the Indianapolis Star.

…but this is not going to be about my opinion about the bill. I have already mentioned that I think it’s a bit unnecessary and dealing with it was a waste of taxpayer money. After all, our schools are a mess, the crime rate in Indy is insane, and there’s an honest-to-God HIV outbreak in southern Indiana. So, a few more pressing matters that should get attention, I think.

No, this is about the reaction it’s getting. Maybe it’s because I live here, but my newsfeed is full of people absolutely flipping their shit over this. You have the supporters sharing anything and everything they can find that backs their opinion,  and the other side is busy commenting and screaming at them for being bigots.

Then you have the people that don’t care. They don’t care so much that they spend some time seeking out articles that explain why this whole thing is a total non-issue. And because they care so very little, they make sure to share them on Facebook, making sure to type something like “Educate yourself!” I’m assuming that all of this is rather taxing on these people, because it must be a tremendous effort to not even care one little bit.

Ok, that was laying it on thick, even for me…

My point to all of this is that we all get to have an opinion. Every single one of us.

Some people will research for days.

Some people will skim a few articles.

Some people will read headlines, then take a look at what their friends have to say.

But no one gets to have a say over how other people form their opinions, just like no one gets to say someone is uneducated because they didn’t reach the same conclusion as you.

That doesn’t seem the least bit disrespectful? I have an idea, next time you want to say, “Educate yourself”, why don’t you just look the person in the eye, muster up the most condiscending tone you can take, and say, “Well aren’t you just a stupid little twat?”

Because that’s how it sounds.

And in the interest of full disclosure, I am mostly annoyed by this because someone actually said to me, “Why don’t you actually, you know, read the bill before you get mad about it. You just don’t understand it.”

Oh really?

I took a look at it. I don’t typically let my knee-jerk reaction to something become my official stance. But you know what else I’ve read?

Salesforce Won’t Travel to Indiana over controversial bill

NCAA Releases Statement Over Bill

GenCon Threatens to Move Convention if Bill is Signed

So yeah, I’m going to go ahead and get my panties in a wad over the fact that our state’s tourism revenue may take a serious hit. Another Super Bowl? Probably unlikely.

And yes, I will be a little more mindful of where I spend my money from now on. And I will probably be more likely to visit a business if it displays an Open for Service sticker in the window.

But what do I know? I probably didn’t even read this post.


I’ve noticed a new trend popping up all over my Facebook newsfeed lately…No, it isn’t some new nail art or a cute Pinterest craft. It’s something that, as a parent, actually kind of terrifies me.

It’s the good Samaritan.

Yes, I’m one hundred percent serious. In the past couple of weeks I’ve seen no less than three stories involving someone calling the police to report a parent. Now generally, these headlines of Parent Goes to Jail for blah blah blah are the kind that make you shake your head and feel better about your parenting tactics. I mean, you wouldn’t think of letting your kid run around in a days-old diaper while you go on a heroin binge (bender? What is the correct term?), so you can pat yourself on the back for being a better parent than that asshole.

But today, I was scrolling through Facebook during my brief moment of peace (also known as mommy quiet bathroom time) after having put O down for his nap, when I saw this:

Florida Mom Facing Felony Child Neglect After Letting 7-Year-Old Walk to the Park Alone

Um, what?

I thought, “Well, the park must be miles away… or maybe the kid had walked there and then told someone about living in deplorable conditions…” Upon reading the story, though, I realized that I was wrong. This poor mother simply allowed her child to walk to a park (about half a mile from their home) to play. According to the story, a stranger noticed the boy walking along and started asking questions. The boy got spooked (uh, as he should have been) and took off for the park. The stranger called to report the “neglect”. Next thing you know, a police officer picked the boy up at the park, then took him home and arrested his mother.

Arrested his mother.

Sweet baby Jesus, for letting her kid go to the park. And this isn’t the first time a “Good Samaritan” has nosed into someone else’s business and gotten them arrested. Recently, a Texas mom was arrested for letting her kids play outside. Another mom was arrested (and then fired from her job) when she allowed her child to play at a nearby park while she worked. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

Guys, out of every little thing that scares me about parenting, this is the thing that frightens me the most. I mean, yes…I’m raising a child that knows no fear, only moves in one speed (fast), and unfortunately seems to have inherited his father’s grace. O seems to think that catching himself with his face is the best strategy when he falls, and trust me, he falls a lot. Still, all of the emergency room trips we may end up making in the future are small potatoes when I think about the horrible impact one “well-meaning” jerkwad stranger could have on my family.

Ridiculous isn’t even the word.

Last week, my mom and I took O to lunch after having my phone looked at. He was playing with the crayons when he decided to start throwing them on the floor. While I picked them up, my mom patted him on the hand (mostly to get his attention) and told him not to throw the crayons. An older woman sitting near us apparently gave my mom the stink eye because clearly my child was being abused. Or maybe we just don’t believe in letting kids get away with being little turds in public? I don’t know.

Anyway, when I read stories like the ones above, I can’t help but shiver a little over that indecent. What if Ms. Incapable of Minding Her Own Business had gone outside and called the police? What if I was the one getting cuffed in front of my kid because she saw something she didn’t approve of? No thank you.

What with Facebook and reality tv, I can see why some people might think that the lives of others is everyone else’s business…But NO. Not even close. I vote we all start minding our own business unless someone is without a doubt in some kind of distress. For clarification: Kid playing on the swings at the playground? He’s probably ok. Kid yelling for help while running down the road? Well maybe you should get involved.

How do you feel about this recent trend? Share your thoughts in the comments!

 


Dear Governor Pence,

What a dick move, to just yank the rug out from under all of the couples that finally got to get married.

I totally get how allowing gay people to marry makes a mockery of marriage… That it threatens to completely dissolve the very meaning of marriage, until ol’ Cleatus can finally marry his favorite goat. You’re saying marriage is an honored and revered tradition that should be treated only with the absolute most respect, right?

This exists:

image

Yes, I was reading a story in Us Weekly. Don't judge.

But hey, at least they’re all straight, amirite?!

/sarcasm

Love,

Me


Here are a few phrases I could go without for maybe forever:

Body image
Parenting style
Mommy wars
Post – baby body

The post baby body stuff is ridiculous.  Women resorting to extreme measures (diet pills, starvation diets) to lose the baby weight at any cost and then posting selfies on Facebook for attention…Come on. First of all, it’s super obvious when you’re sucking in. Second of all, you may just be making another woman feel bad about herself because she’s struggling to lose the baby weight naturally. At the end of the day, your baby doesn’t care what you look like and to be quite honest, neither do I.

You want to know a secret? I don’t care if you snapped right back the second you squeezed that kid out, your body will never, ever, EVER be the same.

I actually weigh less than I have in years right now. Outwardly, it appears that I have achieved the post baby Holy Grail or some such nonsense. You know what, though? Running is no longer a workout option for me. Pregnancy obliterated my hips and knees so that after a few light runs I was in pain for a month. I can’t do high knees without peeing a little. In fact, sometimes I pee when I sneeze, or cough, or laugh, or turn my head the wrong way.

image

I probably peed myself.

My c-section and myomectomy scars are annoying as Hell. I don’t know how something can be numb but still itch and occasionally ache. Have you ever tried to scratch an itch on a part of your body that is numb? My God, it’s maddening. You could use a cheese grater and it still wouldn’t provide relief.

My poor boobs. I don’t even really have boobs anymore… just sad little flaps. Like, I might not fill out my first training bra. The boy will sometimes pull the neck of my shirt out and take a look…only to pop up and shrug his shoulders at me like, “There’s nothing down there, mama!”

But how do you expect your body to go through such a hugely enormous thing and remain unscathed? I like my body now… post – baby flaws and all. Maybe even because of my flaws. I’ve always embraced my scars but even the ones on my legs (that run from my knee to almost my hip) from bashing through glass aren’t as cool as my baby – removal one.

You might have been surprised to see mommy wars up there. I’ve written about it before, I’ve even shared a couple of other articles on Facebook. I’m guilty of contributing to this particular issue but I can’t be the only one that’s sick of hearing about it. If we stopped arguing over which parenting style is best, or whether stay at home moms or working moms have it harder, or God only knows what else… Maybe we would realize that it just doesn’t matter.

It just doesn’t matter.

Formula is great. Breastfeeding is great. The objective is to make sure your baby thrives. Just don’t put Mountain Dew in the kid’s bottle and you’re probably fine.

My kid sleeps in a crib in his own room. Are you locking your kid in a closet at night? No? Ok, you’re probably good.

I stay home with my boy. You leave the house to go to your job? Great! Guess what… we both work.

We all have insecurities about the way we parent. I worry constantly that my kid isn’t eating enough, or that I’m not giving him the right foods… I get all worked up about dentist and doctor appointments because I worry that he’ll have a cavity or he won’t have gained enough weight. I cringe every time he falls or runs into something because, there goes Harvard! You can drive yourself batshit crazy with what if scenarios but as long as you aren’t dropping your kid on his or her face all the time you’re probably doing ok.

So. Can we please drop it?

Ok, actually, not yet. I want to hear about your post – baby body weirdness or your extreme parenting fears (you know, the ones that are so out there they’re actually funny)… So leave a comment here and we’ll all have a good laugh.


When MTV got sick of your raunchy “Hey look, a hot blond with no brains and gas!” performance on Singled Out, you should have just dropped off of the radar. Unfortunately you went on to do a couple of tv shows, a few movies, and a lot of stuff for Playboy. Still you really didn’t find what I would consider legitimate fame… until your child was diagnosed with Autism. I think looking for someone to blame is a perfectly natural initial response when you get such potentially devastating news…But most people eventually get through that phase of grief. Not you! You found someone to blame, but that wasn’t good enough. You wanted everyone else to join your crusade against the evil villains.

Who are these villains?

Vaccines.

Disease-preventing, life saving vaccines and the people that administer them.

Bad modern medicine! Bad doctors! How dare you virtually eliminate polio, small pox, whooping cough…We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore!

You were so mad you wrote a book (because Jen-X: Jenny McCarthy’s Open Book just wasn’t enough of your literary genius) about your “expert” opinions. I’ve never read it, but since you’ve had no medical training what-so-ever I would assume it goes something like this:

All of the babies lived in magical fairy land until one day the EVIL DOCTOR came to visit with his EVIL NEEDLES  full of EVIL DEATH SYRUP.  He stabbed the babies with his EVIL NEEDLES and suddenly the babies were Autistic. Well shit.

You went on any talk show that would take you, with this “OH, look how grown up I am now that I hate vaccines! No more farting on MTV or vajazzling my hoo ha for Playboy, I’m serious business!” attitude, wearing pantsuits and shit. The thing is, you just kept going…like, you’re still going.

And now The View has hired you. Like the American public really needs to be exposed to your batshit crazy rants against vaccines for an hour each weekday.

Not that I will be watching…but I certainly hope this is an extremely short-lived position for you.

                                                                                                                                                       Your friend*,

                                                                                                                                                                Ashlee

*No, not really

*********************************************************************************************************************

Dear everyone else:

Think before you take anything Jenny McCarthy has to say seriously. Do you really want medical and childcare advise from this person?:

I rest my case.

*This post is in response to the Weekly Writing Challenge.*

 


This article from The Guardian popped up on my Facebook newsfeed today, courtesy of STFU Parents. At first, I read the title wrong and thought they were talking about what happens when you roll the dice on a particularly questionable fart. “There are pros to sharting?! News to me!” So of course I had to read the article.

You might think I was disappointed by the actual content of the article (Oh… not sharting…sharenting) but I was actually excited. Finally, someone with some sense!

This whole oversharing thing has always bothered me, but I m particularly bothered by people that share every single aspect of their kid’s life. It’s not just annoying, it’s potentially dangerous.

I actually wasn’t planning to post this weekend because I have some big stuff going on… but I really wanted to share this article.

If you’re one of the people speculating about why I chose not to post any pictures of my baby online (or why I never use his name when I do talk about him), here you go. Now you can stop asking people that are close to me if something is wrong with my child. For God’s sake, he isn’t deformed (someone actually asked a friend that question)…It just turns out that I have some damned common sense.

I hope (though I doubt it’ll happen) this might also eliminate my need to CONSTANTLY ask people not to post his picture on Facebook.

Enjoy your weekend everyone! I’ll be taking a short break to take care of a pretty big project but I’ll be back early next week.


Have y’all seen the Wendy’s commercials that feature the red headed chick traipsing around judging everyone’s lunch choices?

Whatcha eatin’ there, pal?

If you haven’t seen them, here’s the basic idea:

Wendy’s chick: Oh, hello there person I don’t know. I see you’re eating lunch. What is it that you’re eating?

Complete stranger: Um, turkey on wheat?

WC: Well this is actually none of my business, but that just looks awful.

CS: …It does?

WC: Yes. But don’t worry, I carry around this bag of greasy fast food from Wendy’s just for occasions such as this one.

CS: Hmm…Ok.

WC: Now that’s better!

Now, don’t get me wrong…I enjoy a Wendy’s Frosty and fries occasionally (like, maybe once every couple of months…) and I really like their chili…But would I eat there all the time? Uh, no. I don’t care what this red-headed lady says, Wendy’s is not better for you than, say, a container of yogurt and a turkey sandwich. I mean, it is fast food.

I really hate the commercial for the flatbread chicken sandwich… When little miss barfs-a-lot (how else does she eat that much Wendy’s and stay slender?!) exclaims “I’d rather share it with my taste buds!” in a rather annoying sing-song voice. That one makes me want to stab something.

If these commercials were honest, I think they’d go like this:

Chubby red-head: Hello stranger! What is that you’re eating?

Stranger: A stick of butter and some potato chips dipped in butter. Oh, and fried butter with sugar on it.

CRH: Oh gross.

S: I know, right? But that’s what my wife packed for me today.

CRH: Well I happen to have this bag of greasy fast food from Wendy’s…

S: I’ll take it!

CRH: Well…I suppose that’s at least somewhat better.

Anyway, I don’t know why these commercials annoy me so, but they do.

What commercials make you feel all stabby?


Facebook is really starting to get on my nerves lately.

Wait…Did you guys think that having a baby would make me all rainbows and sunshine? Because nope! I’m still the same grumpy, 80 year old man trapped in the body of a 31 year old woman. You’re welcome.

ANYWAY.

This morning, this picture was all over my newsfeed:

ChildAbuseAwareness

SERIOUSLY?!

Well I didn’t repost it, so I am obviously FOR child abuse. And I don’t have a heart.

hatecancer

I guess I love cancer?

You know what else? I don’t share the “Like and share in three seconds if you love Jesus, ignore if you love the Devil” pictures. Clearly I am a bad person that is going to Hell.

I must have missed Vacation Bible School the day we learned that Jesus saves only the people that like Him on Facebook.

stupid

 

Wait, did I hit the wrong tab on my browser? Am I looking at Pinterest? Um, no…I’m definitely on Facebook. Why is everyone “sharing” (honestly, I think the unnecessary quotes are really the major annoyance with this particular post…) this crap? OH, so you don’t have to search so hard for the recipe when you’re ready to make it. That’s kind of what Pinterest is for…

Stupider

Um…What? Did the CEO of NBC just use the American flag as toilet paper on air or something? Why is this specifically for NBC? I GUESS I’M NOT AN AMERICAN SINCE I DIDN’T REPOST!

Remember when Facebook was new-ish and not everyone was allowed to join?

I kinda miss those days.

‘MERICA!

 


This is a perfect illustration of how I feel today:

 

Wasting my morning (and the better part of the afternoon) dealing with health insurance nonsense has left me in a fairly rotten mood. APPARENTLY my coverage has lapsed (no, I did not forget to pay a bill). In order to get my coverage back I have to jump through more hoops than a dog in a circus. And then there is a substantial waiting period. For “processing“.

 

Truth be told, I heart Grumpy Cat even when I’m not in a bad mood.

 

Anyway, I’m busy saying nothing because I have nothing nice to say. About anything.


Hey guys! Did y’all hear about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s decision to fly flags at half-staff to honor Whitney Houston?

*sigh*

Ok, first of all Mr. Man With Two Girly Names… Let’s remember who (and what) we’re honoring:

What we have here, boys and girls, is a crackhead. Sure, she had millions of dollars and a pretty singing voice, but she was a crackhead.

Ok, maybe I’m not being fair, so here’s a nice picture of her after a team of makeup and hair artists worked for a few hours to make her appear sober:

Here’s how I imagine that photo shoot went:

Photographer: Whitney, please sit still… Oh HELL, you’re sweating through your makeup again. MAKEUP!

Whitney: Uh, uh…Are we done? I…uh…need to go to the bathroom.

Photographer: NO. Hold still so she can touch up your makeup, ok? Oh damn, now your weave is all jacked up.

Whitney: *scratch scratch* Please can I go to the bathroom? I need my drugs…I MEAN, I have to pee.

Photographer: I said no. Now let’s fix your hair…Oh forget it. Just prop your head up on your hand to hold it in place… I don’t have time for this shit. Ok, now smile pretty!

Whitney: Um, but…when do I get to…um…pee?

Photographer: As soon as I get a decent shot.

Whitney: BIG PRETTY SMILE

 

I don’t know this for sure, but I think this photograph was taken immediately after that photo shoot. She finally got to pee.

So here’s the thing. There is NO WAY that the flag of this nation should be flown at half staff in honor of this person. NO WAY. That is something we do to honor fallen soldiers, not pop stars that overdosed and fell into a bathtub.

Let’s try and have some perspective here, people.

OH.

And she ruined our National Anthem.

 

 

(I am not heartless. I feel very sad for her family’s loss and I’m sure lots of people loved her dearly. I DO think the situation is very sad. OK? So please no hate mail.)



%d bloggers like this: