because behaving is boring

Category Archives: Anxiety

I’ve mentioned a couple of times (here and here) that I have been struggling with my weight. It’s been a rough few years for me, especially when I stepped on the scale and saw the reading for 180 pounds staring back at me.

My weight issues have been a constant source of depression and anxiety for the last few years.

Depression told me “It doesn’t matter what or how much you eat. You’re already a fatass!” so I stopped paying attention to what I ate, how much and how frequently. For a while my diet consisted mostly of fast food…And none of it even remotely good for me. I mean, why order a salad when jalapeno poppers are on the menu? So what if I’ve eaten them 3 times this week already and it’s only Wednesday?

My anxiety caused me to suddenly develop an issue with eating in front of people…I only wanted to eat by myself, really, and if I had to be around people I only ate if they were eating, too.  I was just so sure people were looking at me like I was a circus freak, judging me on how much and what I was eating.

I think two things caused my sudden and surprising turn-around. I became unemployed, for one, and I didn’t have the money to eat fast food every day. I also quit drinking soda almost entirely because I was broke. I started eating what was available…Since I was spending most of my time at my mom and dad’s I had lots of much healthier options.

My dad’s heart surgery also impacted me in a huge way. When the doctors suggested a heart-healthy diet for him, I immediately jumped on board to support him. It was also the first time someone close to me had such a huge close call…and I realized that the food I was eating could land me in the exact same place down the road.

So. Since October I have lost a substantial amount of weight. I’ve been quiet about it because a part of me is terrified that it’s temporary. I’m afraid my body will betray me again and I’ll be right back where I started. But you know what? I’m also really, really proud of myself.

The before... 180 pounds.

Guys, I now weigh 135 pounds.

The first time I went shopping after losing weight I was actually a little nervous. I grabbed a pair of black dress pants off of the rack to try on as well as some shirts and, not really sure what size would be right, I brought a few different sizes in the dressing room. The smallest size was a 7-8 (short…’cause I am) and I figured that would be pretty tight.

Those pants were too big.

I’m not kidding.

I literally jumped for joy…So if you happened to be in the dressing room next to me you probably thought I was crazy. Yes, that was my 30-year-old self jumping up and down, then doing a happy dance.

I’m fairly certain I let out a squeal of excitement when I tried on jeggings (yes, jeggings) and instantly loved them. In fact, I think I tried everything on in the store… If I didn’t like something it was because the color wasn’t right for me, not because it made me look like an overstuffed sausage.

Last night I stopped by Maurices to see if they had a cute green shirt in case The BF and I go out for St. Patrick’s Day. It was still a little strange for me to automatically grab size small. While trying the shirt on I took a pic… So here it is, the 45 pounds gone after picture:


I'm such a dweeb.

Yup. Pretty happy to be feeling normal again.

Today my boss is attending a meeting in the big city, so I’m left in the office all by my lonesome. The only company I’ve had for most of the day has been my own thoughts…

Apparently, my thoughts have decided not to play nice today.

I’ve had this feeling of dread all day long…a kind of heavy, squeezeish feeling in my chest that isn’t going away.

Image from: So, I Was Thinking...

I basically feel like I have big, nasty storm clouds hovering above my head. I don’t know about you guys, but I do not like that feeling.
On more than one occasion I’ve caught myself just staring off into space with what-ifs and worries scrolling through my head.
I wish I knew what triggered this day-O-gloom, or at the very least how to get out of this funk.  I’m blaming my thyroid, since I know having a less than functioning thyroid can contribute to feelings of depression and anxiety. Having something to point my finger at is making me feel only slightly better. If I were a hugger, I’d say I need one.
But I’m not! So please don’t track me down and hug me. It would cause the anxiety alarms to go off and I just might cry.
Side note: I once told someone I don’t like to hug because she was coming toward me with her arms wide open and ready to shatter my personal bubble. I felt a little rude for saying it but she seriously had that crazy I’mma Gonna Hug You! look in her eye and I was about 2 seconds away from full-blown IMPENDING HUG FROM A STRANGER panic mode. Upon hearing that I don’t typically enjoy hugs, she smiled and put her arm around me (THAT’S STILL A HUG, LADY) and said “That’s ok! You’re just claustrophobic!”
I can assure you that I don’t have a problem with enclosed spaces…in fact, sometimes I feel more comfortable in a smaller place. I don’t care if you took Psychology 101 at University of Phoenix online, Lady, your diagnosis was incorrect. Thanks for playing!
So where was I…
Oh, yes. Doom and gloom, wailing, gnashing of teeth and whatnot.
I need some suggestions. I know I’m not the only one that randomly gets whallopped in the head by anxiety and his jerk friend depression… What are some things I can do to help the two unwelcomed guests depart rather quickly? Prescription medications aren’t an option right now because I still have no insurance. Yes, I work for an insurance agent and I have no health insurance. It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.
Wait…No it isn’t. Alanis, that isn’t ironic. It’s kind of funny in the “Well that figures…” kind of way, but it’s not ironic. **
So, what are your tried and true methods for chasing gloom away?
**I sincerely apologize if I got this song stuck in your head. If it makes you feel better, it’s firmly implanted in my brain now, too.

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