Today a landmark is being torn down in my small town. The building was built in 1950 (I believe), and it was probably a pretty classy joint for a while.

Unfortunately,  it didn’t stay that way.

I didn’t spend much time at The Lew before my favorite watering hole (The Silver Dollar) burnt down. After that sad day, the Dollar regulars wandered around town looking for a new home before most of us settled on The Lew. I don’t think ol’ Lew was ready for the unruly behavior that Dollar patrons could display but we were more than willing to dish it out.

I’d like to think I was fairly well-behaved, but I’m sure plenty of people can tell you otherwise. Keep those stories to yourselves, y’all. Ok, unless they’re really funny…I guess you can share those in the comments.

A friend of mine asked if I had any funny stories from the many evenings I spent at the Lew. I have lots of fun memories, like the times my favorite MySpace celebrity (it’s kind of a joke) visited after moving to Michigan, or the time The BF drunkenly decided we should go to Vegas and get married by fat, cheesy Elvis (clearly that has yet to happen)…but as far as stories go, I can come up with only one.

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What happens when CATTIE FROM MYSPACE descends upon your bar bathroom. Oh, and my apologies for the big ol' F-bomb.

On this particular evening, I decided to stop in for a drink because I’d had a rotten day at work. I was working for ITT at the time, so pretty much every day was a rotten day. At any rate, I rolled into town around 10:00 and headed straight for the comforting arms of good ol’ Lew and (more importantly) his cooler full of Harp. Or Guinness. Or Grey Goose. Or Jack Daniels. Or… Well, you get the idea.

I walked in and parked myself on a barstool right in front of the entrance. There was a football game on, so I sipped my beer and focused on that while I waited for my bad day grouchiness to go away. Unfortunately,  it hadn’t completely left me yet when a group of Wabash students came barging in the door. The men immediately congregated around me, loudly discussing their options for shots while jostling me around without really noticing that I was there. Since I despise being touched in most situations, and especially when it’s by total strangers, I was becoming more and more unhappy by the second.

I tried to ignore them, but getting elbowed in the shoulder whenever the tall guy next to me moved his arm was making it rather difficult. Why don’t they just order already?!

Something was holding them up, one scrawny, newly-minted 21-year-old. It seemed that he was hesitant on taking a shot, but another guy was insisting that everyone do it, or no one at all.

Well I could see the problem pretty clearly.

Just wanting the madness to be over so they would go away and leave me in peace, I decided to take action. The scrawny sissy dude was standing next to me (on the side opposite the tall elbow guy), and he was whining loudly about being afraid of a hangover.

Without a word, I reached into my purse and pulled out a tampon. I then lifted it until it was in front of his face, which caused him to stop mid-whine.

“Here”, I said, “bathroom’s that way.” I jerked a thumb in the general direction of the pit of despair restroom, waiting for him to take the tampon from me.

Everyone stared, mouths gaping, in near complete, beautiful silence. One of the guys (not the whiner) snatched the tampon from my grasp and took a look at it before calling the bartender over. He ordered the group’s shots, then set the tampon on the bar in front of the whiner. When the shots came, the bartender began distributing them to each of the guys until she got to the whiner…The dude that ordered shook his head, then pointed at me and said, “That one’s for her.”

Guys, I actually had to ask them to stop buying me drinks after that because I had to work the next day. Sure, I had to endure the shittiest looks from Mr. Whiny Pants, but it was well worth it. I couldn’t help but laugh every time they referred to the kid as “tampon”, and my mood definitely improved.

I’d like to think that the kid learned a lesson that day. No, not to bend to peer pressure… But maybe that whining loudly will annoy the perpetually grumpy girl next to you and might get you embarrassed in front of your buddies.

It’s practically a fable.

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