Do you guys remember that potato chip contest… Come up with a new flavor and win a million dollars or something like that? People were going crazy, submitting off-the-wall stuff like chocolate covered strawberry and margarita or some shit. Anyway, they narrowed it down to three flavors: Sriracha, Cheesy Garlic Bread, and Chicken and Waffles.

It became my mission in life to taste Chicken and Waffles flavored potato chips.

I’ve never actually tried chicken and waffles, mind you… but the idea of such a bizarrely flavored potato chip was disgustingly appealing to me. I had to have them.

Every time I went to the store I made sure to check the chip aisle… And every time I was disappointed. It seems the Super Great Potato Chip Flavor contest just wasn’t going to make it to my little town.

I continued to hope, and I drove the BF crazy about it.  He would decide to run into town for something, and as he walked out the door I’d be yelling “LOOK FOR THE CHICKEN AND WAFFLES CHIPS!”

I’m sure he loved it.

At some point, a winner was announced (I think it was the garlic bread flavor). I heard about it on the news one morning, and the anchors talked about how the other flavors wouldn’t be sold anymore. I was heartbroken. Suddenly, my trips to the store had no purpose, no sparkle. Oh sure, I got the necessary groceries…but the anticipation of finally finding my treasured chips was gone.

But wait!

Last Friday evening the BF and I loaded the boy into the car and took a nice little family outing…to Wal-Mart. We grabbed diapers and wipes, then headed over to the grocery section to grab something for dinner. After getting turkey, ham, cheese, and focaccia bread for sandwiches, the BF wanted some chips. We were in the middle of a conversation as we turned into the chip aisle, but I have no idea what we were talking about because there in front if me were bags and bags of chicken and waffle flavor potato chips. Just sitting there on the shelf like they’d been there all along.

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HOORAY!

Seriously, I think I heard angels sing. I’m sure The BF was so thrilled to watch me practically skip over to them and grab a bag…And then hold it up at him like a trophy.

“Oh thank God,” he said, “Maybe now you’ll stop talking about them…you’ve only been yakking about those damn chips for the last year…”

Well I don’t think it’s been quite that long.

So when we got home, the BF set to making us some killer ham and turkey sammiches while I took the boy upstairs and put him to bed. I made him promise not to open my bag of chips (“I’m not eating those nasty things!” He said. Pssshhhh…) while I took care of the boy. About five minutes later, I was back in the kitchen.The BF grabbed the bag and started to rip it open.

Me: WAIT!

BF: … ?

Me: Well you don’t just chug a glass of fine wine, right? Give me that bag.

I carefully opened it, then (just like with wine) I gave the bag a little shake to distribute the flavor and stuck my nose down in there. After a big ol’ whiff I declared the smell pretty awful. Finally, the moment I was waiting for had arrived. I selected a chip from the bag and popped it into my mouth.

The BF finally admitted he was curious enough and took a chip for himself…

The verdict?

I thought they were disgustingly delicious. They tasted a lot like maple syrup and chicken bouillon…so gross, but also very tasty. The BF said they were nasty. More for me!

I’m not proud to say this, but I ate half of the bag that evening. I won’t be doing that again, ever… I was so miserable that night that I couldn’t sleep. I so rarely have heartburn but man… It totally kicked my ass. I don’t know how I used to eat junk food in a regular basis.

Clearly, some time ago makers and consumers of American junk food passed jointly through some kind of sensibility barrier in the endless quest for new taste sensations. Now they are a little like those desperate junkies who have tried every known drug and are finally reduced to mainlining toilet bowl cleanser in an effort to get still higher.
Bill Bryson quotes (AmericanWriter, b.1946)

 

Well… I believe Chicken and Waffle chips are the toilet bowl cleanser of the potato chip world.

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