Me (7:00 am): Ugh, please don’t turn it to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I just want to shove a mystery mousekatool up Mickey’s…well, it’s annoying.

The BF: Well, Squidbillies is on… That’s educational…

Me: That’s fine. I’ll make coffee.

******************

Me: He smells a little like poop…

BF: I just changed him a second ago.

Me: Yeah, I know, but I’m catching a whiff of butt mud.

BF: Probably a fart.

Me: Maybe. Or maybe he’s pinched off a little nugget that’s just hiding in there.

(Turns out, it was just a fart.)

********************

Me: I hate when I clip my nails but I can’t file them, so I end up jabbing the delicate inside of my nose when I go for a good booger.

BF: …

********************

Me: So Ricki Lake comes on after the news… It was on while I was getting O ready to run some errands this morning, and the topic had something to do with people that won the lottery.

Mom: *playing with O*

Me: Anyway, they were talking about all of the hardships that come with winning all of that money and I could totally identify with their pain.

Mom: *Still playing with O and not even KIND OF listening to me*

Me: You know, as a lottery winner myself…

Mom: Uh huh.

Me: What? Winning $5.00 on a free scratch-off totally counts.

Mom: I GOT YOUR TOES!

Me: Never mind.

*************************

O: MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGUH!

Me: Yes, my child?

O: AAAAAAAAARGUH BABAAAAAB

Me: Um, ok.

O: DID DID DID DID DID DID DID!

Me: Already have to have the last word, huh?

O: SHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAABAAAABABABA

 

 

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