It kind of drives me nuts when people say “No one ever tells you the bad stuff about pregnancy!”

…Are you hiding under a rock?!

Full of EVIL

Even if you exclude all of the books you can buy about pregnancy (that I refused to read), there are still friends and family members and complete strangers that want to tell you their horror stories. Let me tell you how much fun it was to be picking out a damn melon while listening to some lady I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW tell me about how she ripped “from hoo-ha to asshole” during labor. Once I knew I was having a C-section I heard all about how huge the needle was for the anesthesia, how badly the IV fluids make you swell… And an oddly high number of women wanted to tell me that they ‘almost died!!!!!OMG’.  I mean, YIKES.

It wasn’t just labor stories I had to hear… People would say things like “So have you had hemorrhoids yet?” like that’s something I want to discuss with a complete stranger (for the record: no).

If you haven’t read the books and no one has shared their stories with you (do you ever leave your house?!) there’s always the internet.  Seriously, this is the age of information kids… For every single weird or gross pregnancy issue, I guarantee some angry mommy blogger out there has had it and written about it. She probably used LOTS OF CAPS LOCK to describe the most astounding or disgusting parts.

Basically, if you thought pregnancy is glamourous before you got knocked up, you probably aren’t very bright.

People don’t stop at pregnancy when sharing horror stories. I can’t tell you how many times I heard that I would ‘never sleep again. Ever.’ People wanted to tell me about how their newborn wouldn’t stop screaming, or how it spit up profusely after every feeding. I heard tales of colic, of constipation (both baby AND mom), explosive poops… and if I were the type to listen to other people I would have been terrified.

Want to know the one thing no one ever tells you?

It’s not that bad.

Now I had the good fortune of bringing home a pretty even-tempered baby. Did he cry? Absolutely… in fact, for a little while 8:30 pm was fussy time every night. For the most part, though, I kind of won the baby lottery.

We did struggle with feeding, leading me to make the decision to start pumping exclusively. That was the biggest adjustment for me… but once I finally got it figured out it just became routine.

The thing is, something just kicks in… I’m not saying you know everything automatically or you don’t make mistakes, but you just kind of put your head down and soldier through. Sure, there will be times that make you want to cry and maybe you’ll wish for your old life back…but then your baby will fart and startle himself (it’s hilarious) and you’ll laugh and suddenly everything is ok.

The bottom line? Pregnancy isn’t exactly fun or glamorous but at the end you get to bring a baby home… And contrary to what everyone wants to tell you it’s not that scary.

You know what I am scared of?

Marsupials. Marsupials are fast.

That one was for my Dad. You’re welcome, Dad.