Way back in the day, when I was an employed and functioning member of society, I worked at a call center. This call center handled enrollment for the online division of a big for-profit “school”.

It was hell.

I encountered all different types of people and heard way too many crazy stories to tell, but one specific person will stick in my mind for a very, very long time. What follows is a factual account of an honest-to-God phone conversation with one of our prospective students:


Me: Hello, I’m calling because you requested information on one of our online degree programs.

Jason (I have no idea if this was his real name… It was the first thing that popped into my head)- Yeah, I uh, I wanna go to schoo.

Me: Are you interested in a specific degree program? Is there something specific you want to do?

J: Yeah…I uh, I gotta plan. See, uh, I wanna study bidness. I’m gonna get my bidness degree started at your schoo, den I gonna go to a schoo in Chicago to finish it. And den I gonna play for da Bulls.


J: Yeah.

Me: Well I’d certainly love to help you get started on that goal. Where should I send your information? Do you have an email address?

J: No…I uh, could you send it to my phone? It’s (insert number) and you just leave it on my voicemail.

Me: Well…

J: OH, uh, could you fax it?

Me: Certainly! What…

J: Ok. You call dis number (insert phone number) and den you gonna talk to Janice. She gonna tell you what to do.

Me: I can also send something to your mailing address if you like…

J: Yeah! Uh… OK. So you gotta send it to 37, 56, 42…you got dat?

Me: Uh huh…

J: Ok, and den you turn left at the McDonald’s.


I swear, I couldn’t make it up if I tried.