– Your living room floor will probably look a lot like this:


Number of times I've stepped on Sophie: Eleventy Billion

-You won’t eat a hot meal ever again.

Ok, maybe that’s a little exaggerated. It just seems like you won’t ever eat hot food again. O will be perfectly fine (either sound asleep or playing quietly) until I walk in the room with food. Oh, you want to eat dinner? Well I’M NOT OK WITH THAT.

-Modesty is a thing of the past.

When I was in the hospital, lactation consultants were coming in my room around the clock to watch me breastfeed and sometimes shoving O’s face into my boob… Yeah, I don’t really care what people see anymore. I also have no problem showing people my c-section scar… but I’ve always been weirdly proud of my scars.

-There will be two ways to do everything. involving your child: your way and the wrong way.

It’s almost painful to watch someone else do anything for little O. I want to yell “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” whenever someone else so much as changes his diaper. I can only imagine this will get worse.

-Shots suck.

I mean, you have to hold your sweet baby while someone jabs a needle into his leg. That’ll come up in therapy later.

-You don’t dictate your baby’s sleep schedule, your baby dictates your sleep schedule.

I heard the most ridiculous thing the other day… someone talking about how her baby had “better figure this sleep thing out fast ” because she had to get back to work. Um, ok. If being up at night is such an inconvenience perhaps you shouldn’t have a baby. Even if your kid does sleep through the night at an early age you’ll have teething to look forward to, along with random things like gas that will wake your baby. I think this chick’s in for a rude awakening once her baby is here… And good lord I hope the kid doesn’t have colic.

– Everything is a contest.

…Oh yes it is. Even if you don’t want to admit it.

I took O to his two month checkup and while talking to his doctor I brought up the fact that O had been pushing himself up with his arms for at least a month (he’s been able to hold his head up since the day he was born). The doctor said “Oh, well that’s more of a three month milestone… but that’s great!”

You know what I heard?

“Your kid wins at reaching milestones earlier than other babies!”

– Your clothes will be covered in slobber, snot, rancid milk puke…sometimes pee and poop!

I gave up on burp rags a long time ago. As long as I’m not wearing something nice I just let it flow… My shoulders are always damp with slobber, I occasionally have a little dried spit up on my shirt, and I’m always wiping snot (his, not mine) on my pants.

– “I smell poop.”

You might say this at least once a day. Then you get to drive yourself crazy sniffing everything until you find the source of the smell. Baby? No. My shirt? No. My hands? No. Blanket? No. Sophie Giraffe? No. The BF? No…

This will go on for a while until you eventually discover a little poop in your hair.

You might think poop in your hair is gross but trust me, it’s no big deal after you’ve had it in your mouth.