Some of my long-term readers might remember a post I wrote a year ago (Happy Massacre Day!) about Valentine’s Day.

Well, that was actually right before I started seeing The Boyfriend. I’m sure some people thought I was just bitter about ol’ V-Day because I was single, so I thought I’d revisit the subject as a non-single person this year.

Know what?

I still think it’s stupid.

I’m not kidding when I say I don’t really care if The Boyfriend gets me anything for this Hallmark holiday. In fact, here are some typical Valentine’s Day gifts and exactly what I think of them:

Consider the above image…That’s a pretty standard Valentine’s Day present, right? Well, the roses will die and stink up the place because you’ll forget about them rotting away in a windowsill somewhere. The chocolates? I personally don’t eat sweets very often, so the majority of them will end up thrown away in a couple of months (when they get that strange white powdery stuff on them) or given to someone else. Plus, half of them probably have that weird, smooshy, fruit-flavored filling in them and I don’t know a single soul on Earth that likes biting into those chocolates.

Ok, those? Yeah, I’d probably eat a couple…But WHY would you buy them?! I mean, does anyone realize how ridiculously easy chocolate-covered anything is to make? Here:

1. Get melting chocolate

2. Melt chocolate

3. Dunk things

4. Let things sit on waxed paper until hardened


REALLY?! I am a 30 year old woman. What the hell would I need with a teddy bear bigger than me?! Or any teddy bear at all, for that matter. The chick in the picture looks as happy as a guy that just found out he’s not the father on Maury, but how do we know it’s because of the bear? Maybe she just dropped a giant deuce after being constipated for two weeks! I mean, that would make me happy about everything… “You got me oatmeal raisin cookies? Well I despise raisins but that’s ok ’cause I just shit for the first time in a week! Thanks for the cookies, man!” OR maybe she just dumped the guy that got it for her because he sucked at buying gifts, and this picture is of her hauling that stupid thing to the dumpster!

Happy Massacre Day, y’all!