1. For the love of pickles, TIP. I know a lot of people don’t think this is necessary but it really is. Look, most bartenders don’t make much of an hourly wage and we depend on tips to pay our bills. I’m not saying you won’t get served if you don’t tip, but I definitely make sure my tipping customers get served as quickly as possible.

2. Drink up, have fun, but know your limits. I’m not afraid to cut someone off if they’re slobbering all over the bar, but it makes life easier for the both of us if you switch to water on your own. The thing is, when I have to cut you off I end up the bad guy. I don’t want to be the bad guy…I want to be your fun provider of drinks! If I do cut you off, it’s because I legally have to…I can get fined big bucks if I’m caught serving a visibly intoxicated person.

3. Don’t get into fights or otherwise misbehave. I don’t like busting up fights…Hell, I’m only 5 ft 1 in and 145 (!) pounds. Since fights between midgets don’t break out a lot around here I’m always stuck attempting to break up a fight between two people that are much bigger than me.  I’ve done it…and I’ll do it again if I have to…but don’t think you’re gonna end up on my favorite customers list, mmkay?

4. If you’re under 21, don’t come in. If you have friends that are under 21, don’t bring them in. Don’t think the ol’ “OH, I must have forgotten my ID!” trick will work, either. If you don’t have it, I won’t serve you.

5. If you don’t have money, stay home. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone comes into the bar expecting everyone else to buy their drinks. If a friend has already told you he or she is going to buy all of your drinks, fine. If you come in the bar and start asking everyone you encounter to buy you a drink? Not cool. Definitely don’t ask your bartender…Unless you like hearing the word no.

6. Be patient. I’m the only person behind the bar…If it gets busy you may have to wait a couple of minutes before I can get to you…but I’m moving as fast as I can. Help me know you’re ready by putting your empty drink out in front of you and, if you’re paying cash, it doesn’t hurt to have money out where I can see it. That way, if I stop to look around the bar I’ll know you want something, even if you’re busy doing the tongue tango with the drunk chick next to you.

7. If you order a drink I’ve never heard of I’ll likely ask you how to make it. If you don’t know, I’ll do my best to get it right or I’ll suggest something that I think would be similar. Please don’t say I’m stupid because I don’t know how to make a Super Monkey Blowjob Boobie** shot that you and your friends made up in college.

8. I can’t actually think of something to put here at the moment but I enjoy even-numbered lists.

Every bartender is different. This list is specific to me…and it’s hardly exhaustive.  Any other bartenders out there feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments!

**Sorry for saying blowjob and boobie in my blog, mom. I can’t help it that people come up with horrible, disgusting names for the shots and drinks they create.