My Blackberry doesn’t work.

Can’t make calls.

Can’t receive calls.

Can’t use the internet.

Can’t text.

Know what I can do?

I can see what time it is.

HOORAY! I’m cut off from the outside world but I’ll always know the time!

Now if I had a job that paid me money I would just go buy a new cell phone and that would be the end of it. Since I’m currently unemployed and therefore have no money, I’m just trying really hard to be ok with this…maybe even learn a lesson on how dependent I am upon modern technology.

Who am I kidding? Not having a cell phone SUCKS.

Not being able to tweet or check Facebook whenever I want isn’t so bad. A little annoying when I have to wait in line somewhere, or when I have something really funny to say, but not terrible. It’s the fact that I am completely unable to communicate with anyone unless I happen to be at my mom and dad’s house that’s really boosting the ol’ anxiety levels.

Driving has become a problem because my tires aren’t in the best shape…So if I were to blow a tire I don’t know what I’d do.  Walk to the nearest house? Not a good option…I’d rather not knock on someone’s door and interrupt them cooking a big ol’ batch of meth, thankyouverymuch. And really, that’s just the kind of luck I have.

I guess I could stand on the side of the road and try to flag someone down…But getting someone to stop would probably take a while. Not only that, but if someone does stop, I’d be wondering why. Is this person a murderer or a rapist? And if the person does turn out to have ulterior motives I couldn’t just use my handy cell phone to call for help.  Then again…if the murderer, you know, actually murders me I wouldn’t be able to, anyway.

Well this is turning out to be quite a conundrum.

I suppose if I did get stuck on the side of the road, and someone DID stop to help me, and that person WAS a bad guy, I could always throw my useless former phone-turned expensive timepiece at him as a distraction and run like hell.

There’s something to be said about preparedness in emergency situations. Obviously you can’t prepare for every possibility, but you can cover your bases. From now on (until I have a working cellular device, that is) I’ll be carrying my trusty ol’ Louisville Slugger whenever I venture out into the scary world. I will also make sure to wear my tennis shoes at all times (have you ever tried to run in flip-flops?) and carry a spray bottle of Sriracha hot sauce in my purse.

What? Have you ever touched your eye after handling that stuff? It hurts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to do some cardio and maybe some calisthenics, just in case I find my self needing to run away from a bad guy in the near future.