Dear Adele,

I’m not a fan.

I mean, I’m sure you’re a very nice person…and you do have a pretty voice…but your songs? My God woman, your songs (the ones I have heard, at least) are so depressing. I can be in a perfectly good mood when all of a sudden you come on the radio with your gloom and doom, woe is me attitude and BAM! Suddenly I want to find a corner that I can curl up in and cry.

Also?

I just get this vaguely psychotic vibe from your lyrics.

Example:

In Someone Like You: “I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited /But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. /I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded /That for me it isn’t over”

Oh, honey…

Look, obviously this guy is no longer interested in your particular brand of loony… And barging in on he and his new girlfriend isn’t gonna make him change his mind. I’ll bet they had a good chuckle after you left about how desperate you are. It IS over. Stop desperately clinging to the past and just. Move. On.

Every time I hear this song I’m reminded of a certain angry Canadian female screaming You Oughta Know (“I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner…”) And I think we can all agree that while it was a very popular song that’s not exactly the kind of image you want to project. The scorned and angry bitch thing has been done, and as far as I’m concerned, you’re just not living up to Alanis’s legacy.

Not Drunk Enough?

Girlfriend. PUT THE BOTTLE DOWN.

Set Fire To The RainI’ll Be Waiting

We get it. You’re nuts. You’re a stage 5 clinger. You’re the chick that starts naming babies on the second date and does a nightly drive-by to see if he has company. If you call and he doesn’t answer, I’ll bet you just keep hitting redial until he does because you really, really wanted to say hi.

Look, I know that breakups hurt… I think the best thing you can do is move on with your life. Get some close friends together, get your hair did, put on a pretty dress and have a night out.

Just make sure to give someone your cell phone because I certainly don’t want to hear I Drunk Dialed Your Heart the next time I turn on the radio, mmmmkay?

Love,

Ashlee

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