I.

Hate.

Spiders.

I know they kill other bugs but they have disgusting and creepy qualities that far outweigh that one good thing about them.

Eight legs?

Hairy?

Known to linger in dark corners?

Hang out in webs waiting to trap and kill other bugs?

POISONOUS?

I understand that not all spiders are poisonous, but when I see a spider I just go ahead and assume that it IS poisonous and wants to inflict a slow and painful death upon me. So basically, spider in front of me? It’s full of lethal poison and must immediately be squashed.

Not by me, of course. I’m too busy panicking and furiously pointing to do any squashing.

Thank goodness for The Boyfriend. I spend a lot of time at his house and it just happens to be surrounded by fields. Being that far out in the country and being an old (read: drafty) house = spiders.

Last night, I went in the bedroom to change into a pair of pajama pants. The pants I wanted were sitting on a blanket, and when I went to reach for them a spider jumped out at me. It was the biggest, hairiest, blackest spider I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m actually not exaggerating here, it was HUGE (and remember, I lived in Texas for two years).  I screamed and began my usual hop up and down while pointing and yelling for The Boyfriend routine. He’s so used to it he doesn’t even have to ask, he just shows up with a flip-flop and squishes the spider. This time, instead of calling me a sissy, he took one look and said “That IS a big one!” giving it time to scurry away. He was actually going to walk away at that point, leaving the spider to come after me later when I slept or worse…have babies.

Thankfully, I was able to persuade him to track the nasty little bastard down and kill him…After I had jumped to relative safety on the bed. For my own peace of mind I made him show me the body to confirm that it was, in fact, dead.

Being ambushed by a spider when The Boyfriend is around isn’t so bad because he gets to come kill it and be a hero. What really sucks is when I encounter one when he isn’t home.

One morning, I was getting ready to leave after The Boyfriend had already gone to work. I flipped open my laptop bag to pack it up…

Not a pleasant surprise.

I, of course, jumped back about a mile and began screaming and pointing until I realized no one was there to come kill it for me. I picked up a flip-flop and tried to summon every ounce of courage I had, but I just couldn’t do it. Instead, I decided to start hopping around, holding the flip-flop and probably looking like a moron while I tried to figure out what to do.

In the end, I stuffed my laptop’s charger in my purse and carried my laptop with me. I did carefully and quickly flip the laptop bag shut thinking I’d have The Boyfriend dispose of the offensive little beast when he got home from work.

That evening I told The Boyfriend the story and had him open the bag. He shook it, poked at the pockets, and never found the spider. He seemed to think it had moved on to a new home. I disagree. I think the dirty little bastard was hiding in one of the pockets, waiting for me to forget about him and start sticking my hands in there so he could attack.

Needless to say, my laptop bag hasn’t moved from that spot on the floor for a couple of weeks.

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