I can be the nicest person you’ll ever meet…but sometimes? I get these urges to do mean things just because I think they’d be funny.

I don’t act on them.

Well, I rarely act on them.

When I see someone bent over to pick something up, I have this urge to get a running start and give that person a really hard slap on the ass. Oh, okay…I’ve done that a time or two.

If someone is squatted down I want to reach over and give them a little push on the shoulder to knock them over.

When I see people jumping on a trampoline, I want to yank it out from under them when they’re mid-air.*

When I’m walking through the mall and I get behind a person that’s too busy texting to walk I want to step on the heel of his/her shoe.

Last Friday morning I went to the grocery store with my mom and grandma. Mom was looking at something on a shelf when I noticed a giant box full of dodge balls. I went as far as to pick one up and bounce it on the floor a couple of times…the whole time arguing with myself.

Look! She bent over! How funny would it be to throw this ball at her ass?!

No…No…It’s not okay to throw a ball at your mother’s rear end in a grocery store.

Oh come on…It won’t hurt…it’ll just be funny…

How would you feel if someone did that to you?

But… no one is going to do it to me. And it will be funny!

You’re a jerk.


I must have looked deranged standing there holding that ball and laughing to myself. I had conjured up a mental image of the ball leaving my hands, gracefully floating through the air in slow-motion, and bouncing off of my mother’s backside. I’m laughing as I type this, actually. I’m so mean.

By the time I finished replaying the image in my head, mom stood up. Unbeknownst to her, she had narrowly escaped being the target of my meanness.**



*Yes, I realize that yanking a trampoline out from under someone while he or she is midair could actually hurt him or her. That’s why I’ve never actually done it.

Plus? I’ll bet it would be hard to get it completely out from under a person in time.

** I love my mother. HI MOM!