Two posts today! Aren’t you lucky?

I can’t stress enough that this is a 100% true story… Even I couldn’t make something like this up…

Every trip to the women’s restroom at work is an adventure. Most of the time, you have to pee as fast as you can while holding your breath because the smell is just THAT BAD. The odor is usually a foul mix of unwashed female nether-regions and someone’s digestive problems and it lingers like an unwanted house guest. I can’t express how bad this smell is…And it usually hits you when you’re about five feet from the bathroom door. That’s right, BEFORE YOU EVEN WALK IN.

The inside of the restroom will usually leave you wondering how long a pack of rabid badgers has lived there. If you’re brave enough to look into the stalls you’re likely to find one or (usually) more of the following:

-Pee all over the seat

-Massive wads of toilet paper swirling around in the bowl

-Equally massive turds playing marco polo* in the bowl

-Bloody fingerprints on the toilet paper dispenser, the stall door, walls and even the toilet seat

-Unidentifiable substances smeared everywhere

*I’m just kidding. Turds don’t play marco polo.

So let’s recap. Bathrooms smell terrible, look disgusting. Ok.

So I was sitting at my desk trying to finish a phone call because I had to pee like you wouldn’t even believe. Two big cups of coffee and a bottle of water right before a 30 minute phone call will do that to you. Just before my bladder reached defcon 2, I hung up the phone and  headed for the bathroom. I had to pee so badly that I actually had to concentrate on not sprinting because that’s not professional behavior. You guys know how I pride myself on behaving as professionally as possible while at work.

Anyway, as usual the smell hit me first about five feet from the door and because I was in such a hurry I didn’t bother to take a deep breath before entering. The second I opened the door the full force of the stench slapped me in the face but I covered my nose and kept going. After inspecting the first three stalls I finally found the fourth to be somewhat less of a biohazard compared to the others. I still made sure to wipe the seat off thoroughly, doing a ridiculous little pee-pee dance that involved hopping from one foot to the other the whole time. Man, I was never so happy to finally pee.

In my rush to get to a toilet before peeing my pants, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t alone in the restroom. Suddenly, I heard a bit of a gasp and a little plunk from the next stall over and then  “PRAISE JESUS!”.

Um. What?

Plop!  “OH LAWDY JESUS, THANK YOU!”

You’ve got to be kidding me.

A grunt, a louder KERPLUNK and then “PRAISE BE TO GOD! THANK YA JEEESUSSS!”

I sat there in complete disbelief for a couple of seconds wondering if the fumes inside the bathroom had caused me to hallucinate. I hadn’t heard anything else for a few minutes so I decided it would be safe to exit the stall and wash my hands as quickly as possible. I was hoping to avoid an awkward encounter with the unknown bomb-dropper.

Luck wasn’t on my side, though. As I stood there washing my hands I heard a flush and watched the woman walk out of the stall behind me in the mirror. She approached the sink, looked at me and said “Oh lawdy child…I feel SO much better”.

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