Alternate title: How to be late for everything

  1. 8:30 am Alarm goes off. Hit snooze without opening eyes. Repeat at least 3 times.
  2. 9:15 am Alarm goes off, blaring the most annoying song on the planet. Turn alarm off, check facebook on Blackberry while still in bed.*
  3. Drag yourself out of bed (be sure to make plenty of ‘getting out of bed’ noises if you’re old like me), locate glasses and robe. Put Blackberry in robe pocket.
  4. Stumble into kitchen. Bounce off of and run into everything in your path. Grunt in an annoyed manner.
  5. Locate cigarettes and lighter. Put them down to take medicine. Brother is trying to talk to you. Express your displeasure by grunting and shooting him a dirty look.
  6. Spend five minutes looking for cigarettes and lighter again. Once you find them, go out to back porch and smoke while glaring at the neighbor’s annoying barking dog and plotting its demise.
  7. Go back into house. Pour giant cup of coffee, eat a bowl of cereal and a cup of yogurt.
  8. Check time, realize you should probably get in shower. Go outside to smoke again and get into a conversation with brother about welding. Realize you know nothing about welding.
  9. Check time again. You should really be getting into the shower.
  10. Remember you left laundry in the dryer the night before. Start dryer to fluff clothes. Get distracted by Mythbusters episode brother is watching.
  11. Check time. If you plan to be on time you need to be getting into the shower NOW. Decide hair doesn’t need to be washed. 15 bonus minutes!
  12. Get clothes out of dryer. Check blog stats and facebook.
  13. Carry clothes into bedroom and realize you need to pee. Go into your bathroom and notice that toilet still isn’t working. Walk across house to brother’s bathroom. Do what you gotta do.
  14. Get distracted by Mythbusters again walking back to your room. Decide myth is busted and get into discussion about it with brother.
  15. Notice you still need to shower. Look for blackberry for five minutes before realizing it’s in your robe pocket.
  16. Wander into bathroom to take shower. Put contacts in, spend five minutes looking for zits on your face.
  17. Make funny faces at yourself in the mirror for another five minutes.
  18. Start water. Notice ingrown hair on your leg when getting in shower, spend some time sitting on the side of the tub trying to remove the ingrown hair.
  19. Get into shower! Soap up and then spend a few minutes staring off into space trying to decide what you want to have for lunch.
  20. Get out of shower, dry off. Put clothes on. Spend a few minutes looking for your blackberry again, find it in your robe pocket.
  21. You need to leave in ten minutes. Check Twitter.
  22. Brush teeth for a ridiculous amount of time.
  23. Put hair up into a rather messy bun because you don’t really care. Look in mirror, decide you do actually care a little bit and re-do it.
  24. Apply deodorant. Congratulate yourself for remembering.
  25. Put on coat, grab purse and makeup bag. Wonder where your car keys are. Put everything down to look for them.
  26. Find keys sitting on table in plain sight.
  27. Leave for work!
  28. Arrive at work and clock in ONE LOUSY MINUTE late. Vow to try harder tomorrow.
  29. Repeat entire process the next morning.

 *optional- Doze off while checking facebook. Wake up, notice time and shout curse words while jumping out of bed. Proceed to step 16.